Introducing a brand new advice column for dogs authored by Olive Pimento Soldavini.

Dear Olive: Why don’t biscuits come in flavors of birds and rodents? Albert, Princeton, New Jersey

Dear Albert: You are a genius. Have your person call my person and let’s talk. Olive

Dear Olive: Do you think it’s strange for me to have my nails painted? Frenchy, Paris, France

Dear Frenchy: Not at all. Will the hammer be the same color? Olive

Dear Olive: Why don’t humans sleep in crates? Penelope, Carson City, Nevada

Dear Penelope: Some of them actually do. Their crates are called jails. Olive

Dear Olive: What is the Puppy Bowl everyone’s talking about? Krystal, Fresno, California

Dear Krystal:  It’s very cruel. It’s where they set up puppies as pins at local bowling alleys. Olive

Dear Olive: Does Santa Dog really exist?  Jorgé, Bethlehem, Pennsylvania

Dear Jorgé: Is that a rhetorical question? Olive

Dear Olive: What is the meaning of life? Socrates, Athens, Greece

Dear Socrates: Eating, licking and pooping. That’s it. Olive

Dear Olive: Why don’t we like cats? Felix, Patagonia, Argentina

Dear Felix: Because they don’t taste like chicken. And because they are so self-absorbed. Olive

Dear Olive: Am I really naked? Brody, New York, New York

Dear Brody: I don’t know. Send me a picture. And your phone number. Olive

Dear Olive: Today, I overheard my human tell her friend that I was “in heat.” What does that mean? And how can I be in it? Dolly, Anchorage, AK

Dear Dolly: You are now the most popular bitch in the neighborhood. It is a vicious cycle of popularity, unpopularity, popularity, unpopularity, and you are in the popularity phase, so enjoy it while you can. Olive

Dear Olive: I’ve never seen snow. What’s it like? Sparky, Clearwater, Florida

Dear Sparky: It’s like cold, wet sand falling from the sky…but light and soft. Olive

Dear Olive: I am obsessed with tearing apart and eating cardboard? Does this mean I need more fiber in my diet? Marcello, Milan, Italy

Dear Marcello: NO. IT MEANS WE WERE MADE FOR EACH OTHER. HOW SOON CAN YOU GET OVER HERE?” Olive

Dear Olive: I am in a new city, and a new home, and I just love the new kitchen table to chew on when I’m on my Mom’s lap, but she doesn’t like it. What should I do? Poppy, Jersey City, New Jersey

Dear Poppy: Make sure you say “Grace” first. Olive

Dear Olive: When I stare into my water bowl, is that me I’m seeing or God? Cleo, San Francisco, California

Dear Cleo. I don’t know. I’d have to look into your water bowl. Olive

Dear Olive: Why doesn’t my human circle her bed three times before laying down? Frosty, British Columbia

Dear Frosty: Good question. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but we have no idea why. It’s probably a genetic flaw. Olive

Dear Olive: I like to scoot my bottom along the carpeting in the living room but my human hates when I do this. What should I do? Gordy, Millburn, New Jersey

Dear Gordy: Scoot your bottom along the couch cushions once or twice. Then your human will be happy you choose the carpet instead. Olive

Dear Olive: When humans drive, aren’t they actually chasing cars? Franklin, Detroit, Michigan

Dear Franklin: You are very insightful for a common American Beagle. Yes, and when they are stuck in traffic or stopped at a light, they are actually sniffing the bumper of the car in front of them. Olive

Dear Olive: How can I get over my fear of water? Teeny, Oahu, Hawaii

Dear Teeny: Drink bourbon instead. Olive

Dear Olive: I am a French bulldog named Poppy – ooh la la. Although some people think I look like a bat-dog, I am really friendly and lovable. How can I get them to know the real me? Poppy, New York, NY

Dear Poppy: You little croissant. Try letting them nibble on your ears. But dip them in melted butter first. Olive

Dear Olive: Why is Mrs. P.I.B. so grumpy with me when I squeak my toys in her face? Wonderbutt, San Antonio, Texas

Dear Wonderbutt: Maybe you are squeezing the wrong toys. Try squeezing hers. Olive

Dear Olive: My bite is much worse than my bark, and frankly I don’t give a shit. Bruno, Little Rock, Arkansas

Dear Bruno: You are an uncouth little thug. Perhaps you should work out your aggression with the cast of “Jersey Shore.” Olive

Dear Olive: I think I’m going to the vet to get fixed. I didn’t know I was broken. What should I expect? Elmer, Nashville, Tennessee

Dear Elmer: Expect to spend the rest of your life licking where your balls used to be. Olive

Dear Olive: Why do cats use litter boxes and humans use those big white bowls? Mugsy, Scottsdale, Arizona

Dear Mugsy: Because they compartmentalize their lives much more than we do. Olive

Dear Olive: I hate the postman. He smells like a trout. He stinks up our porch. Missy, Beverly Hills, California

Dear Missy: Leave a giant bowl of milk out 5 minutes before he comes and sprinkle some catnip in it. Then run away very, very fast. Olive

Dear Olive: Do you think the name Pinocchio is a good name for a dog? Daffy, Orlando, Florida

Dear Daffy: Only if you are anatomically blessed. Olive

Dear Olive: I think the deer in the neighborhood stare at me. I’m scared. Max, Long Valley, New Jersey

Dear Max: If you think that’s scary, wait until your humans get the bill from your canine psychologist. Olive

Dear Olive: I came across a naked Barbie doll on someone’s lawn today. It was very upsetting. Should I call the Doll Police? Kelso, Hackettstown, New Jersey

Dear Kelso: I already called. There’s an APB out on Ken. He is considered a “doll of interest” by the police. Be careful. Olive