I don’t understand why Labs and Golden Retrievers get all the attention. Okay, they’re cute but did you ever see how much they slobber? Every time I play with one, I come home looking like I’ve been sprayed with foam. Don’t you think the sign would be much more attractive with a picture of me on it?

Oh, look at me impersonating Patti. I’m at work. Work, work, work. Where the hell did those funds go? And what the heck is this? I DID NOT INVEST IN CAT FOOD. That is NOT my signature. I smell wood pulp. Why is the print so tiny?

Oh yes, this is what I look like, bored to absolute tears while you work. At least I can come with you. And yet even though my gorgeous eyes are glazed over like a rotted zombie’s, I’m still very attractive aren’t I? Why don’t I have any television show contracts?

“So THIS is what the insides of a dog look like!”

The last thing I recall was sniffing Hercules’ butt. And one of the humans said something about a “colonoscopy?” What’s a colonoscopy and can I have one? It’s much more colorful in here than I expected. I wonder where this goes…and if I’ll find any birds…oh look, a stinkbug!

“Stop looking at my udders.”

Yowza. When did I get these? Many thanks to the Hysterectomy Fairy. Yes, dogs are capable of sarcasm. Especially Weimaraners. Looks I like I should be reading a book by I.B. Cow, not E.B. White. Would you like a glass of milk?

“Sorry, can’t talk right now. Gotta’ go.”

Seriously. What were you thinking when you took this picture? Does my tail look like a mobile phone? Actually, I was in the middle of ordering a pizza. And then I got a crank call and all I heard was “ASS KISSER.”