Grief is such a paradox

I think I’m hungry but have no desire to eat

I’m exhausted but cannot sleep

I want to be distracted but can’t focus on anything

I am here

You are not

I walk through the house

And you’re not in the places you should be

Not on the couch

Not on one of your beds

Not barking at the landscapers

Or the animals next door

Not barking for me to refresh your water bowl

Or to go outside and do your business

Or to lay in the sun for just a few minutes

Because I’m not out there with you

Even when you were doing nothing

You were still here

I could feel your spirit

Sometimes hear you snoring lightly

Or wriggling around on your back

Dancing with your feet in the air

Or just staring at me while I walked by

Now, your collar is empty.

Today I rode my bike

Without you

In the places we used to walk together

How can something that’s missing

Feel so unbelievably heavy

Eventually the pain will lessen

And the more recent memories

That were difficult

Will be replaced by all the good ones

Sometimes I think thinking of you is too hard

But if I don’t think of you

I’m afraid I will lose the memories

One pixel at a time

And I don’t want to lose even one pixel

I am fine one minute

And then burst into tears the next

It hurts so much

Because I am here.

And you are not.

But in the end

I hope this is easier for you

Than it is for me.